Uses for Cellphones

(from dspsrv; a JC/Waider joint)

  1. SMS
  2. Never answering them, especially if you're a girl
  3. Spilling beer on them
  4. Dropping them in pints/loos/lakes/other bodies of liquid
  5. Thumping things - when you've got a nail, anything close at hand looks like a hammer (corollary of 'when all you've got is a hammer' thing)
  6. Dropping from great heights
  7. "amusing" "pranks" in the pub, involving phoning people and hanging up when they answer
  8. Making annoying quasi-musical noises
  9. Displaying the twee logo of your choice
  10. irritating the fuck out of your cow orkers by having a progressively louder ring tone coupled with people who always manage to call while you're not at your desk, but you've left your phone there
  11. Cheating in pub quizzes
  12. Looking up Google from the most absurd places (offshoot of above)
  13. Excuses for not talking to people (I tried your mobile but it was out of coverage/I couldn't phone you cos my battery was out/etc.)
  14. Reminding you who you "wittily" phoned at 4am after the 7-hour beer run
  15. Reminding you who your friends "wittily" phoned while you were passed out after above
  16. Making you an even more dangerous driver than you normally are
  17. Sending emails of the form, "Look! I'm sending an email from my cellphone!", or "testing"
  18. Downloading maps for your current GPS location (GNEE!)
  19. Making yourself open to telephonic abuse 24x7
  20. Making yourself depressed because noone calls you 24x7
  21. Two words: vibraphone races